Off to see the wizard.

Brandon and I are off to see Coldplay and Fiona Apple in Oklahoma City for Brandon's birthday.

Here is another random pic from Blogstock '05.5.

im not dead...yet

I'm back from Toronto. Met some cool people, got to see others again. I haven't been able to post at all the last few days my mouse has been erratic. Brandon gave me a new one so I'm back in business.



It seems most people have already put out photos from this weekend so here's your late bonus two (thanks Claire).



I'm thinking of moving this blog over to wordpress, as the blogger domain blogs aren't accessible from military computers anymore. Maybe i'll just run duplicates, who knows.

Aren't you lucky...

Two posts out of me in one day. Its like you just won the lottery...only I got to keep the money.

So I arrived here in Toronto at 2pm local time. Wandered around a bit in the terminal looking for internet access. Not finding any, I stopped for a beer and burger at Cactus Jacks.

Made contact with Ciavarro and Grimshaw via phone. Tried calling Pitt to no avail.

After three very frustrating hours of searching for pay as you go internet I decided to pretend to be staying at the Sheraton to use their business center for free.

You see the results.

Finally found a jack to plug my phone in too.

Looking forward to kicking this weekend off right...and maybe not have the cops show up within the first 15 minutes this time either...

Then again if theyre hot female cops...

They have the right to remain sexy

anything they say can and will lead to sex...

and by now you can tell im incredibly bored here at the airport.

More when there's more to report.

-Ben

"What...did you go to a bank in mexico?"

Nope.

Canada.

Toronto to be specific. I'm not even in line to make my withdrawl yet. There's that whole clearing customs thing I have yet to do. Which will be preceded by crossing the border.

Yep that's right kids, blogging to you live from the minneapolis, minnesota airport while waiting for my connecting flight.


I didn't go to sleep last night. Strippers and beer. You know how it goes. I had to start the party a little early to make sure the Canadians would be able to keep up.

2:30 pm arrival time in Toronto.

Anybody want to come pick me up?

501-247-2785

Leave me a message. Make sure its funny. Leave your return number.

So I can call you back and tell you how funny you weren't.

-Ben

The implosion of thought amongst the masses, and it looks beautiful

Far be it from me to ever back down from a challenge.

Now if I could just get the last strap on this flak jacket fastened, I'll be set.

I wouldn't want any of the fallout from the weak "...you can't tell a woman what to do with her body..." crowd. Yeah, wouldn't want that at all. Especially since I'm not attempting to tell any woman what they can or cannot do with their body. I am telling her what she can't do with the child's body inside.

Abortion should be illegal.

Period.

Prance around and justify it anyway you want. Murder is still murder any way you look at it. Disguising it as population control, a woman's right to choose, etc. doesn't take away from the fact that it is still killing an unborn child.

I could sit here and quote the statistics. I could tell you just how soon un born fetus' have sensory response and dreams but I'm going to assume we're all past that. If you're not, Google it.

Terminating a pregnancy because it isn't convenient to have the baby at the time (by far the leading reason for abortions these days) doesn't cut it with me.

A women has the right to choose. She can open and close her legs anytime she wants. Does it suck that she has to bear the brunt of the reproductive burden for the species? Yes, but that's biology, or natural selection, or evolution, or God, or Allah, or Yaweh, or Karma, or Dharma or whatever you believe in.

Women, guess what, you can get pregnant from sex. Yep, believe it or not, sometimes actions have reactions.

Contrary to popular assumption, I don't want to "punish" women for having sex, have it all you want, women.

If you're hot, have it with me.

Realize, however, that is where the "choice" begins and ends. You made the choice with your body as to whether or not you wanted to have sex. The results of which should not be dealt with by discarding the life of a child, because it simply isn't a good time in your life to have one.

So go ahead, in my comments section bring me your tired arguments about risk of death due to pregnancy (less than 1/1000th of a percent, vs the much greater risk of death of the mother on the abortion table), and a woman's right to choose (you did choose, unless raped, to have sex in the first place-welcome to consequenceville). Tell me I'm an anachronistic relic, a by-product of an outdated christian upbringing, a chauvenistic mysoginyst who only wants to punish women for having sex. Tell me no women will date me , I never get laid, or any of the other myriad of baseless assumptions I usually hear.

Go ahead, repeat the tired arguments of others.

Murder is still murder.

Great? ..or the greatest ever...?

So I was gong to do this long post about abortion, in an attempt to argue with Grace (since she wanted to), but the I realized...why? Why would I want to devote a whole post to arguing when I'm just going to win anyway. I mean hell, I can skip all the boring mumbo-jumbo and jump strait to the part where I gloat about my win.

It feels good to be the winner, but then it always does.

Could one of you tell me what being the loser feels like, just so I know?

Brandon secured a new domain and is back.

I owe Ciavarro $40 dollars, he wants it paid back in man sex. By man sex he means he wants me to have sex with Jeremy's mom. I think I'd rather pay cash.

Leck///Oceanaria///Manoj

Open day...

While I finish working on a post Grace and I can argue over (like we ever need an excuse), I'll leave the comments open.

Hint: It'll be about abortion, since that seems to get everyone riled up.

Pitt///Christina///Ciavarro

Serenity now?

Nah. Fresh off the warpath, I'm done with the Jesus Martinez insults for now, he bores me since he's too busy masturbating to bikini clad jpegs of Ashley Spears Aguilara Lohan or whatever other jailbait he's "writing" about, to post back.

Besides, everyone now knows that Mohammed Garcia, or Jesus Martinez,or whatever name he's going by now is by far the lamest internet combatant I've taken on. The guy didn't even last past the opening salvo before attempting to remove every trace of me from his readership. Maybe he learned his lesson.

His reader "Big D" seems not to have however. Leaving comments like the following aren't smart either...

The way you rail on and on about how lame that site is and how lame Martinez is, it seems almost like you have a little crush on him. And using transference to explain why someone wants to take jabs at a bunch of pompous blog-elitists is the biggest bit of self-denial I have ever read! You get mocked because your blog-world is so precious to all of you. You are trying to raise it to high art, and you scoff at those who talk about scat and rim jobs. While you scoff at us, we wipe shit on your windshields. So just drop it, stick to your 12 steps to being a douchebag, have your midlife crisis for your 7 readers, and let the rest of us look at celebrity snatch in peace.

A crush? Martinez posted about me first. I think you need to re-evaluate who wants to go "brokeback" on whom. I love the fact that you think I got mocked too. Could you please show me where...? It seems to me while you were lost in your sycophantian fantasy of stroking off the phallus of Jesus Martinez' ..err..ego...you forgot that the guy bailed out of his "mockery" as soon as I posted something (something beyond the generic celebrity worship/gay jokes that he did, i might add) in reply.

"you scoff at those who talk about scat and rim jobs..." Tell me you aren't really defending yourself with that statement. You guys make this too easy. Ok, so a bunch of dudes gather around their computer screens and type in comments about licking asshole while looking at women who are either too young or too hot to hang out with them ever...

Let me guess, you guys call each other up for simultaneous jerk off sessions while watching late night cinemax too. Or was i not supposed to talk about that?

"...we wipe shit on your windshields.."

I make you lick it up.


This tool was even easier than Martinez....

Next.

A new breed of idiot

This amateur is still at it. After spending hours combing the far reaches of the internet sunday night (while I watched the superbowl) for any information on me, it seems he got so embarassed at my return volley to his little write up that he not only deleted his entry about me, but any comments from or about me on his website.

Edit: It now appears that he has banned me from commenting on his site. Nothing is a truer sign of whiny loseritis. Ah well. Maybe next time he won't bite off more than he can chew.

What a chump.

But wait, there's more.

In an effort to attempt to try to squeeze some sort of last word in, it seems "Mr. Martinez" left this little number in my comments..

DrunkenStepfather.com is owned and operated by Fox Interactive Media, as an online presence for a TV show being launched in September '06, under the same name. The character Jesus Martinez is writen by 3 comedy writers, hired by fox. The company has another 10 people involved, not including 4 interns.

The website is currently in the top 75,000 websites on the interenet, with traffic of 50,000 people per day, on average.

A recent marketing push is expected to bring the website into the top 10,000 by the end of March. And we hope to maintain that before the show hits TV.

The comments you and your friends posted are being deleted to annoy you. As this is a new site our comment moderator has little to do with himself and we are experimenting with various content strategy. We realized that a war with you was not funny or entertaining.

We don't take our site very seriously, and we apologize for misleading you in anyway. It is always unfortunate to see people get upset especially when it's from missing the joke.

We understand the site isn't for everyone, and appreciate your feedback and thanks for playing.

Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfahter.com

The comment while reeking of several revised drafts, struck me as odd in several ways so I decided to do a little research.

First off I emailed Fox Interactive Media. Imagine my (lack of) surprise when they said they had nothing to with drunkenstepfather.com and no knowledge of any TV shows planned from or about it.

Whether or not the name "Jesus Martinez" identifies any known living person, I still couldn't tell you. But if the contents of his website are the products of three comedy writers, then Ben Allbright is a pen name for John Grisham.

Not only is the writing on his website some of the worst I've ever seen, but the atrocious punctuation only accentuates the likelihood of Drunkenstepfather.com being written by three stoned high school dropouts, not as stated a team of comedy writers already verifiably NOT HIRED by Fox.

A quick scan of his sitemeter account reveals the first bit of truth, that his site does indeed receive around 50,000 hits per day. Closer inspection reveals, however, that the average visitor stays for around 26 seconds (usually an indicator of an inordinate amount of bots and web crawlers). Hardly enough time to read any of the crap the guy writes. Further investigation also reveals that 90% of his traffic comes from gorillamask and collegehumor via links to look at half dressed pseudo-celebrities. One quick scan of his "posts" reveals that on an average day, he gets less comments than I do. Sad considering he gets more hits in a week than I have all year.

Then there's his statement about marketing pushes. Marketing pushes? For a guy who "doesn't take himself seriously" I find it hilarious that you have a marketing strategy.

A quick scan of his paragraph about deleting my comments gets a chuckle. Yeah, comments are being deleted to annoy me. Im laughing my ass off right now. The truth is the comments on your site are being deleted in an attempt to save yourself some embarassment. Your deleting my comments doesn't even begin to annoy me. I just copy them and repost them every five minutes...it gives your "comment moderator who has little to do with himself" (whatever that means) something to do.

You didn't mislead me or upset me (even when you made the crack about me driving my father to his grave) and I most assuredly got the "joke." It just wasn't remotely funny.

You're right, the site isn't for everyone. It is obviously geared towards pre-pubescent teens hoping to catch some spank off time with the free wannabe softcore pictures you provide.

But there is one final thing I wanted to point out. Your statement that "this is a new site" is utterly untrue. It isn't even true that your new domain name is "new." You must be wondering where time has gone when you look at the date on the archives for your old blogspot address...



All this feigned business air you've put out since you got embarassed is truly precious. I think however, if you were as professional as you are trying to seem now you would never have left the "Why you hatin' on me" comment on my blog in the first place.

You see you got suckered in by me, then when you realized you'd been taken advantage of you tried to cut all ties in an attempt to avoid embarassment. Nice try, too bad you can't get away with it.

Thanks for playing.

I never wanted to crucify jesus, ...really

I'm a jerk. Or at least someone thought I was when they texted me "...I just thought you should know, I think you are a jerk..." anonymously last night.

Could be one of the myriad of women I've done wrong in my short life. Could be...or, it could be this guy. I don't know how he would have found my phone number, but after being upset enough that I belittled him yesterday, he did go scour the internet for any information he could find on me, managing to find my myspace page before doing this silly little write up on me.

Can anyone tell me what exactly a "poofter" is? I have no idea, as I dont speak virgin teenager.

So I have decided since he fell into my little trap of providing me with extra hits, I'd do him a solid and let everyone see who he really is.




Just call him Jesus...Martinez. Or look him up in the "pink pages" as jmartinez3inchesofhotboylove@hotmale.com. Somewhere right now, Chuck is in heaven.

Or you can go by his website Drunkenstepfather.com. The title is an homage to his real dad's life partner.

Yes, go to his website and treat yourself to bad grammar, unfunny jokes and write ups, and wannabe T&A shots of semi famous women. For instance in one of today's entries, you can almost see paris hilton's nipple slip out of her shirt (while you get double the fun by reading his fervent write up about what he and his circle jerk buddies talk about during "special time"). It's like perusing a Maxim magazine and being even less entertained than normal.

I took the liberty of examining some of the previous entries at his old blogspot address (easily found at google) to see if they could shed any further light on the sheer lack of genius that is Mr. Martinez, but after coming across this quote during his write up on Vida Guerra, "...I personally don't care for booty. I am a huge fan of...little boy asses. Nothing hotter..." I just didn't want to read any further.

Apparently Jesus is living proof of the nurture side of the nature/nurture argument. Just as his stepdad used to molest him, so too does he desire to touch little boys.

Am I mad about what he wrote about me? Nah, I pity the little guy. While I was busy watching the superbowl last night, he was frantically searching the archives of my blog for something to try to make fun of me with. All because he got mad that I called him what he is, an incredibly vanilla version of what Hugh Heffner, Larry Flint, and the 100,000 owners of various porn sites around the world would have been if they'd left the clothes on the chicks in their pictures.

Send the next lameass my way please.

Edit: I guess he got scared and took down his write up about me. He has since been deleting my comments too, so much for his "I don't believe in censorship" bit from the other day.

There are long absenses from my blog, and then this...

It's amazing what people in their hubris will do. Or what they think they can do. At points in their lives Don Johnson, Eddie Murphy, and David Hasselhoff have put out albums. Paris Hilton has one in the works. Who greenlights this shit anyway?

That's right kids, america's least favorite person-who's-famous-for-being-famous since Kato Kaelin, Kevin Federline, has put out an album. A rap album. If the glowing praise from his talentless and significantly less hot than everyone gives her credit for wife, isn't enough to make you want to sign him to your label, well...I don't know what is.

From listening to him wax idiotic on the various types of latina ass he wants to see, to the usual bitches, blunts, and 40s fare typical of the genre, K-Fed manages to stay awash in a sea of lyrical submediocrity typically reserved for the last half of a VH1 awesomely bad show. That however, isn't even the worst part. The guy can't rap. Even some of the best producers out there can't make it look like this guy can keep time. Couple that with a voice that reminds you of a crustachioed, pre-pubescent 13 year old, and you've got the potential for the biggest flop since Gigli. At this point William Hung has sold more albums than Mr. Spears.

But don't take my word for it, you can sample the worst excuse for music since Soy Bomb here.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put on my Hasselhoff: Live from Frankfurt! on and attempt to forget I know Federline is trying his hand at life, much less music.